The Real Deal; and A Sidebar on the Kardashians

Do you ever have one of those days when you're just like, "Screw it."

Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to impress people. You do it, too. We all do. It's the nature of our society. You suck in your stomach so you don't look so fat, you wear a particular type of shoe or drive a specific kind of car. You want people to think well of you, to like you, and say, "hey, that guy, he's doin' all right," in that Opie Taylor kind of way.

Big Phony from iamkoream, via Lifehack.
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And by impressing people, I don't mean in that Kardashian* sense of painting this totally phony picture of happiness and success but is really just a shallow materialistic sham, ready to sell out to the highest bidder−I just mean that the average person, by nature wants others to perceive him in a positive light, whatever that means to the individual.

In reality, you pick your nose like everyone else, and sometimes you fart when you get up from the couch. That's the real deal. I mean, hey, sometimes you got a booger situation, right? Geez.

So, yeah, when I go to work, I try and look presentable. I mean, I don't spend 2 hours in the bathroom primping, but I do want to put on a little make-up and maybe brush my hair or something. But like, today...today I look gross.

celebrities without make-up: me and Chroi

I'm wearing an old ratty pair of jeans, a pair of slippers, the shirt I wore to bed last night and a sweatshirt that needs to be thrown in the wash. (And no bra!!! Ah, freedom.) I don't have any make-up on, my hair smells like a horse and my hands smell like sulphur, from this treatment I just put on Keira's mane.

Oh−and that's the other thing. I have two horses for sale.

They should be all polished and pretty and shiny, in tip-top showroom condition in case someone would like to come and take a look at them. Fina's doing fine, actually.

Her coat is coming in nice and thick and shaggy, her feather is long and straight, and she is really responding to her training: leading, backing, picking up her feet and walking over rails. Good girl!

And eating hair. Bad girl!

I noticed that after Fina was born, Chroicoragh and Keira both started to be missing some hair. Baby horses teethe, just like anyone else, and they have a tendency to sometimes chew off the mane and tail of their dams and the other horses around them.

before Fina

Chroi is pretty good about shooing Fina away−although her forelock is noticeably shorter−but Keira is too sweet. She'll stand there and let Fina groom her, and now a portion of her mane is completely gone. I didn't even notice it until today when I was out brushing them while they ate.

I haven't had the time lately to hang out in their stalls with them as I like to. It's such a nice, passive relaxing thing to do. I throw some hay down for them, curry them, scratch and brush and untangle manes and tails, talk to them and just let my mind wander. But lately it's like: throw the hay, give 'em a few scratches, and get back to whatever task it is at hand. So I didn't even notice her mane. Where there used to be a thick, full "double" mane (when a horse has so much hair it hangs over both sides of its neck), there is now basically nothing.

punk rock horse

Now this is where I'm supposed to pretend like nothing's wrong and my horses are perfect. (Well, they are−apart from the mane, but that's beside the point. :)

Tell them what they've won, Gene!

Well, Bob, it's A NEW HORSE!

Quite a few people, when selling something, whether it's a car, a T.V., or a washing machine, don't want you, the buyer to notice the faults. It goes along with the general mentality that it is easier to sell something that is perceived as being without fault. And I get it−hey, I've done it. But in this case I'm kind of in the mind set that with an animal, things happen. Foals chew on manes.

After Fina.

What're you going to do? Put in extensions? Hair grows back, just as Chroicoragh's feather has. And although Keira will temporarily look like a punk rock-chick with half her head shaved, her beautiful mane will eventually grow back, probably thicker, and more silver, than ever. I don't feel the need to pretend like, "Oh, my gosh, I didn't even notice!" or sugar coat it. It is what it is, there's no reason to lie about it or try to falsely impress anyone about it. She's an amazing horse either way, and whoever ends up with her is going to be damn lucky.

So, at the very least, know this: while I will cover my zits with make-up, and suck in my stomach, if you ever buy a horse from me, it will be an honest sale.

++++

*Sidebar on the Kardashians

With all the hubbub going on about the Kardashians, and one of my day jobs being "the magazine lady," as I'm known at the grocery store, being subjected to each and every gossip cover story as they are printed, and the speculation that surrounds each latest story, I felt compelled to begin this dialogue.

Personally, my take on this whole phenomenon is that I am equally captivated, disgusted and impressed at their expert manipulation of the media market. One minute they make me feel like throwing up, and the next minute I'm going, "Oh, her hair looks really pretty."

Obviously the Kardashians are an incredibly savvy group of business people, led by Mom Kris Jenner.

I would never dare to call them stupid. And obviously there is a time and place for what they are doing, because they are making millions and millions of dollars off the fact that we all find them fascinating. And who wouldn't? They are giving us exactly what we are asking for: an escape from our own lives, watching extremely beautiful people being as fucked up as we are.

The hook lies in the fact that we all delude ourselves that if we had that kind of money and power, we would somehow be above them, we wouldn't stoop to such drastic levels of behavior, we wouldn't sell out and we wouldn't be so self-absorbed and generally distasteful.

But the irony is that the very reason the Kardashians have such fame, power and wealth is because WE as a society are giving it to them. WE are saying, "Ugh you disgust me, but can I see more?"

And the reason that it drives us so crazy is we realize that the only difference between them and us is that they are going to their dentist appointment in a limo, and wearing platform heels. Like I said, they are just as messed up as the rest of us are, they just don't have a problem paying their electric bill at the end of the month.

And speaking of money, the manner in which the Kardashians win their audience is by virtue of

S-E-X.

Don't kid yourself. You might have sisters, and the show reminds you of your relationship with them.

You might have a good friend who is dating - or has kids with - a total douche.

You might be the girl in your family that doesn't get as much attention as your sisters, but you're the one everyone would rather hang out with because you're not as much of a snobby bitch.

You might even be "the pretty one."

But the reason we tune in to the Kardashians week after week is to see their hot bodies, glossy lips and miles of cleavage. We want to think that yeah, we ARE like them, so why couldn't we have what they have? Why couldn't we have a Roberto Cavalli gown, Christian Louboutin shoes and a personal trainer? We would rock the shit out of some Louboutins.

These are the ones I wear to Wal-Mart.

We want to see what they're wearing, how they did their hair, what kind of jewelry they have on, which car are they are driving, what mascara they wear, and their diet pill of choice. Because they just make it look so appealing, all shiny and sparkly and white-teethy and new.

It all fits, it all goes together, they didn't have to go to eight different stores to find it on sale, and bring in a coupon from the newspaper. It wasn't a hand-me-down from their BFF's closet clean-out. And they don't have the same fashion worries you do: that maybe the top you are wearing to your kid's parent-teacher conference is the same top you wore for work three days ago and you're hoping no one notices that you wore the same top twice in one week. But you really love the color, and the neckline is flattering on you, and you got it on sale at Target for $8.99 and it's the only new thing in your closet and you're sick of wearing the same old crap.

So you watch the Kardashians because you want new clothes, you want your hair to look good, you want people to think you are pretty, and you don't want to have to worry about doing your laundry, cleaning up the house, picking up the kids, going grocery shopping, getting the tires rotated, and what to fix for dinner. 

But then we all complain about how much attention they are given. About how the media plays up the dramatizations, and how the Kardashian family just eats it all up and continues to make gads and gads of money off of it. (Reportedly $65 million this past year.)

And if they are making a living off of selling themselves; their bodies; their image and their name, what does that make them? 

And if we buy their mascara, their diet pills, and their handbag, and we are basically saying, "here is some money, I want to buy you," we are paying them. WE are keeping them in business. 

What does that make us?

I would LOVE to hear your comments.

**POSTSCRIPT: For a great interview with Kris Jenner, click here. Hey, I'm all about hearing all sides to the story.